-mini story Dr. Pinkie Pie!! - by Colonist! *It’s around that time of the year when you’d see the good doctor for your yearly physical and general checkup. It was pretty much a requirement for attendance at Canterlot High, the premier public school in the city. You didn’t mind it much - just a quick in and out. Besides, if you procrastinated too long, one of your more studious/structured friends would be bugging you with progressively increasing persistence up until the due day. Gosh, you remember Applejack last time.* *Last time…* Applejack: Consarn it, guy! It’s five days until school starts back up and you haven’t even scheduled an appointment!? You: Relax, AJ! My primary care doc has been good with my last minute appointments for as long as I can remember. He’s pretty much expecting it. Applejack: Ah’m surprised he doesn’t feel disrespected thus far, but I guess you’d be a good enough patient. Ah can only imagine how many hypochondriacs or plain health-lazy people Canterlot City’s doctors have to put up with. Family doctor or pediatrician? You: You know, I never asked. He just does the quick physical, signs off on the paperwork, and out the door I go. I can’t recall a time where I’ve had a complaint that warranted an appointment…or a visit to the ER. Heh, I learned how to self-treat all those knuckles Sunset’s laid on me. Applejack: Lucky boy. Farm work’s got its hazards: strains, sprains, fractures, heat exhaustion, and such. You: Rainbow probably’s run into that too with the athletics… Applejack: Sci-Twi gets migraines sometimes with all that mental overdrive, Fluttershy’s got to be careful not to pick up anything zoonotic at the animal shelter… You: Rarity’s breakdowns could warrant a psychiatrist… Applejack: Sunset - You: Pinkie - *The two of you look at each other right after the mutual interruption.* You and Applejack: Is anyone’s guess. You: Yeah, those two never really get sick, do they? Applejack: Sunset gets the occasional cold, but she’s really good about general health. Now Pinkie, ah can’t remember her ever being sick. You: It’s Pinkie. Applejack: Yep. You: Though I’d swear I’d feel a little more force behind Sunset’s knuckles when it’s that time of the month. *Applejack looks a little flustered at the subject you just brought up.* Applejack: Now where’d that come from!? You: I mean, it’s just something I’ve noticed. Some of you girls have your tells. Just the other day, I noticed that you were sneaking a bite from a dark chocolate bar, and you didn’t want the others to - Applejack: Okay, that’s enough digging down that rabbit hole, partner! Get your appointment set up, and don’t take your health for granted! Remember what my Granny Smith likes to say - an apple a day keeps - You: I’d like apples more if they didn’t make me feel bloated. I’m more a fan of strawberries than I am of - Applejack: Why, you bite your tongue before speaking that heresy, boy! You: Hey, that’s one of your tells too! Increased fruit-related sensitivity! Applejack: Why, ah oughta! *Present day.* *Heh, it’s five days before the due day - just like last year. Yet this time, you’re dutifully present at the front door of your local clinic. The front desk assistant returned your earlier call fairly quickly, and you were surprised to find an immediate opening due to another patient’s last-minute cancellation. Why not take it? You walk through the clinic doors and make your way to the check-in.* You: Hello? *You notice that the check-in window is strangely tinted. Wasn’t it always clear?* ???: Ah, you must be our 1300 appointment, Mister…aw whatever, these notes always look like chicken scratch anyway. I’ll be there in a moment to let you in! *The medical assistants always seemed to be a revolving door, people coming and going over the years, but the voice on this one sounded strangely peppy and familiar. You don’t have time to ponder when the doctor opens the door to the examination areas. Is…it’s not your doctor?* You: Huh? Where’s Doctor - ???: Oh, he’s taking a personal day. I’m the on-call attending for the day! *There it is again - that familiar peppy voice. It had a different intonation compared to the earlier medical assistant though. You also notice that the good doctors fully suited up far beyond what a normal checkup would warrant - mask, cap, gloves, white coat, and protective eye wear. Not only did the getup prevent you from positively identifying the wearer, but the heck did she think you have? Measles?* You: Oh…okay. Doctor? ???: *ahem* Doctor…um...Diane! Let’s be friendly and on a first name basis, yeah? You: S-sure… *The doctor waves you into the first examination room. Your eyes scan the surrounding hallways before you walk in, and you notice a strangely sparse office in the middle of the day. You play it cool as you inquire about the anomaly.* You: Is it just you here today, doc? That’s a lot of balancing between seeing patients and admin work, isn’t it? Diane: Oh, ev eryone’s out to lunch. I won’t be holding down the fort alone for too long. No worries! You: Okay, I guess that makes sense. Well doc, let me know when to say “ah.” Diane: Not just yet! First… *You couldn’t have seen the action in front of you coming as the good doctor slides off her lab coat to reveal the lacy underwear underneath. You’re about to stand up and stammer out some sort of excuse to leave when she grabs you in a lightning quick hug and presses your face to her chest. Oh no. The cleft of her breasts forms an almost perfect seal against your nostrils and you try to gasp for air. It’s the longest ten seconds ever before the now questionable doctor lets go and allows you to fall back onto the examination table.* Diane: Lung capacity is a check! You: *gasp* *sputter* Doc, what the hell!? *She responds to that inquiry with another questionable examination method that you’re unable to dodge. Her left arm holds you down on the the table while her right hand holds the stethoscope right over your crotch.* Diane: Okay, now breathe in. You: What!? You’re not even listening in the right area! Diane: Well gosh, I could’ve sworn that organ is a bunch of spongy tissue where a bunch of blood rushes in or something! That’s what I was listening for, hehe. *That trademark giggle and now decreased intonation of the strangely familiar voice removes all doubt as to who the “doctor” is.* You: Pinkie! Pinkie: Hey, that’s Dr. Pie to you, Mister! Of course, my training is a mix of accelerated and…err…online videos? Whelp, no reason for all this gear! *Pinkie throws off the protective mask, cap, and gloves. Her bra strap is hanging off her right shoulder, and in the current context, it looks kind of sexy.* Pinkie: Yeeeeeah, this was Rarity’s suggestion really. You: No way that she’d suggest that you’d impersonate a doctor during a clinic-wide lunch break! Pinkie: (imitating Rarity’s voice) “Darling, forget the ‘apple a day’ from that country girl! The way to a man’s brain is through his penis~” You: …she actually said that… Pinkie: Personal experience, she says! I already know the “stomach” one. Gosh, this is the fourth year of school we’ve had together, and you still don’t take initiative with your health? Even I don’t procrastinate with my checkups, mister! We girls care about you too, you know? You: That’s strangely heartwarming. Still, you shouldn’t mess around medical stuff like that. I’ve got a real appointment coming up, and you need to get out of here before then. *Pinkie drops her remaining undergarments and fiddles around with the stethoscope, wondering if it should join the pile. She shrugs, and it does so.* Pinkie: The darned thing is broken anyway, I guess. Hehe, but why would I want to leave when lunch lasts for another half hour? You: You’re really pushing it! Pinkie: Am I? Aww, does my patient need a dinosaur plaster and a lollipop before I show him the door? You: I’m not a child! I’m a grown man! Pinkie: Really? You didn’t bother to look up your *checks clipboard on the table* doctor’s credentials and see that he’s a pediatrician? They can see patients up to the age of twenty-one until the family doctor has to take over, you know. I know ‘cause I read his hospital privileges too! You: I’m frightened by your patchwork of spotty knowledge in the medical field. Pinkie: Me too! So how about I give you a little “physical therapy,” free of charge, as treatment before the next follow-up consult, hmm? You: I… *Pinkie pushes you back onto the examination table and crawls on top of you.* You: …can’t say no to doctor’s orders now, can I? Is my prescription refillable? Pinkie: Ohohoho, you betcha!